i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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