oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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