WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We talked him into tasing himself.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
