Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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