halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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