Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
