If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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