i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
