I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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