you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
