Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
