I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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