why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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