You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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