At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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