Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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