he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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