Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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