i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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