i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
