I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
