We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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