No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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