My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
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I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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