he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
