dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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