I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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