we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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