I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
