Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
