I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
