Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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