Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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