a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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