My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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