Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
