it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
