I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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