god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
