Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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