I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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