So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
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When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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