My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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