i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
