Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
