Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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