Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
