What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
