Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
