I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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