Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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