She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
