I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My pussy is not your playground.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
